God’s Heart Adoption: An Adoption Theology Cheat Sheet

I’m working on a paid typing job for the next couple days and have limited time to devote to writing tonight. But NaBloPoMo calls. So here, for your delight is God’s Heart: Adoption, a video flogging orphan adoption (Tomorrow is World Orphans Day 2010, an evangelical marketing tool placed right in the middle of NAAM to move “orphan” product. I’ve decided not to write about Orphans Day, but I’m sure someone will).

Orphans or thereabouts, of course, are only secondary to the real message of God’s Heart: the Great Commissioning of “Christians” via adoption. You can not only save a child for Christ, but the kid(s) seals that promise that you’ll make it to the Face of God. A friend of mine says of his devout Catholic adoptive parents:
Adoption was their stairway to heaven.

I have a video (not online, but a personal possession) of Kansas Senator (and Governor-elect) Sam Brownback, sobbing that adopting children is the way to heaven. He picked up two from China, so he and the Mrs. are on their way, gold seals in hand.
If you’re one of those ungrateful adoptees whining about having no history or context or roots or birth certificates, shame on you
You, my dears, are the chosen people–in a manner of speaking. At least according to God’s Heart. Without adoption nobody, at least nobody worth knowing, would be here today, Adoption, you see, is the bedrock of creation.
Things you unenlightened bastards will learn from this simple 4:32 minute video:
  • Adoption existed before the the Big Boom! That is, before the universe was created.
  • Adoption existed before the sun, the moon , the stars, and the seas. Though nobody says it, you are eternal, unlike your not adopted friends and neighbors. One could extrapolate that vampires are adopted, too, I suppose.

  • Apparently not a clever planner, God created adoption to send us the 10 Commandments. No mention of how Moses dumped his Forever Family, including his devoted adoptive brother and ran back to his birth family. Not satisfied with just getting his family back, he started a war against the stunned and saddened Forevers. After all we did for Moses…If he tried to pull that today, Dave Kirschner would psychoanalyze him, he’d have TV movie , and be shipped off to Gitmo.
  • God created adoption so Esther (above left) could save the Jews. Without Esther there would be no Purim and nothing for my Jewish friends to do in the middle of winter but ski.
  • Most importantly adoption saved the Messianic line; therefore, saving Jesus from being murdered. Uh….wait a minute!
Oddly, God’s Heart doesn’t make any mention of where mothers fit into God’s adoption plan, but then, it’s a rare skygod who acknowledges women in the birth process. Just ask Zeus! Is it a stretch to suggest that adoption theology might be a clue to the erasure of the pre-exilic Jewish goddesses of domestic piety and the rise bad attitude Yahweh? After all, without patriarchy, adoption as we know it, would not exist.
I’ve tried to explain adoption theology for years. I understand it, but I’m no theologian. The best response I get are yawns. I’m grateful then, for this handy cheat sheet you can just click on.
BTW, If you are susceptible to ear worms you should turn down the sound just read the text. There’s no voiceover.) Once in your head, “praise songs” dig in for days.

Please use #NAdoptAM when you tweet your blog about NAAM. It will be a great research tool for later.

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12 Replies to “God’s Heart Adoption: An Adoption Theology Cheat Sheet”

  1. Did they really link Esther with Hannukah, not Purim? I mean, if that’s your mistake, that’s cool, you’ve probably never heard of Purim. But if it’s from folks professing a knowledge of the Bible (including of the Christian bible) that would be pretty rich…

  2. Even if they did link Esther to the right Jewish holiday (sorry I’m not in a place where I can watch the clip to find out for myself), she was never “adopted.” She was the ward of her uncle, presumably because her parents died or something. But they never changed or obscured the family relationship–he remained her uncle, he didn’t become her dad.

  3. Oh my…what a video. They forgot to mention that the adoptions they mentioned were not legal adoptions. There was no provision for legal adoption. In fact, Talmudic Rabbis abhored Roman-style adoptions because it was to literally tell the Creator that he had mistakenly placed someone in the wrong family with mere mortals needing to “fix” the error.

    The widows and the orphans (a blog post I have que’ed up to post in a few days) were provided for by law. Making an “adoption plan” was not part of it.

  4. So very excellent!!!!You answered all my questions in one post and gave me a new reason to live!I now know at least one of my adopters is in heaven and I can guess where the other is.
    Love this so much I’m linking hope that’s ok.

  5. r: My bad. I knew that didn’t sound right! Purim is in th middle of winter. Cheesh! I went to a Jewish school even. I’m fixing that part.

  6. Praise the Lord…Yes indeed…I was chosen to be thee most vocal, outspoken bastard to hit the streets that Spokane, WA has ever seen!

  7. Von and anybody, please feel free to link anytime. Thanks. And thanks to r for pointing out my error. That’s what happens when you’re in a hurry.

  8. While not a trained theologian by any means, I am a thinker and a religious woman and I am stunned at the theological inconsistencies in that video. I have a family to take care of this morning, but will address this video on my blog later today. I hope you don’t mind if I linky-loo!

    (Off to find the eye-bleach. On the upside, I did watch it with the sound turned off. That was a most useful tip!)

  9. Oh what a puker. I kept the sound on for the full effect. Bad theology, mawkish sentiment, and gee, all those poor orphans headed for prostitution, AIDS, suicide, exploitation unless good Christian families save them by adoption. Gotta go get one NOW before it’s too late!

    Hmmmm what ever happened to missions, clinics, women’s shelters, hospitals, and orphanages where kids are safe that truly dedicated practitioners of all religions run all over the world? Seems to me you could save a lot more kids and give them at least a decent start in life in their own countries than the few that get adopted/rescued by Amurican Fundamentalists.

    Such a cheesy, wrong approach in this video.

  10. If I’m not mistaken, Moses First Mother remained part of his life while he lived in Pharoh’s realm.

    Jesus ALWAYS had his fisrt mother by his side – aka Mary.

    Whoever put together that horrid film needs to read their bible better.


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