Well, that’s not what Abby calls him, but what else could he be?

Son given up for adoption threatens marriage It figures he’s from New Jersey

DEAR ABBY: I became an unwed mother many years ago, when there was a stigma attached to having an illegitimate child. Unable to care for my son, I placed him for adoption. He has now found me.

I have a family, and my husband does not want me to tell our adult children or contact the young man and his family.

Do I go against the wishes of my husband, whom I love very much, or should I tell our children and perhaps risk my husband leaving me? – CONFLICTED IN NEW JERSEY

What about “Husband threatens marriage”?

Empty this douchebag down the drain right now. Followed by scalding water. Followed by 20 minutes of garbage disposing.

Thanks to Jo Anne Swanson


  1. OMFG. She’s married to a selfish prick. He’s mad because that child did not come from his prick.

    We’re (adoptees) constantly labeled and scapegoated as “lepers” to be feared and shunned.

  2. Actually, her closing question makes it clear:

    Do I go against the wishes of my husband, whom I love very much, or should I tell our children and perhaps risk my husband leaving me? – CONFLICTED IN NEW JERSEY

    There is no or in that question…the options are both going against her husbands wishes, so I think she has already made up her mind!!!

  3. I responded to Dear Abby the day it was written.

    This guy is a controlling SOB and she will never win. I offered that she could email me if she would like help since I am a married woman reunited with my child.

    She will tell her kids and they will form a relationship with their sibling. How do I know? Because he is a domineering sort and his children know him well. His oppression will not be tolerated.

    She is grateful to him for marrying here given she was a fallen woman.

  4. I would love to contact this mother and tell her how many of us moms have developed self-esteem and grown a spine. She needs to call this ijit’s bluff.

    This kind of thing is why I believe that honesty is the ONLY way to fly. I told my raised children, as soon as I thought they were old enough to understand, why mommy flipped out on certain dates, like birthdays, etc. They were wonderful; excited, compassionate, wise and understanding. I was lucky, I guess, in that I didn’t give a rat’s arse what my ex-hubby would or wouldn’t do. He was surprisingly supportive on this one.

    I also told my present (and very best) hubby before we even began to get serious, that I was actively searching. He stood behind me all the way. I think that kind of secret is toxic to a family and the raised children will resent finding out from other sources, which is almost a sure bet to happen.

    If a man won’t support his wife with something as momentous as a reunion with an adult child, then she needs to lose the prick. He is living in the mindset of my parents’ era and I am 64, for Pete’s Sake! Let’s move into the 21st century, Dumbell.

  5. That is just sad. A lot of mothers who gave up a child did marry the first jerk who would have them, so it is not uncommon.

    However, the fact that she signed herself from NJ makes me wonder if this does not come from someone opposing open records legislation in NJ. The Catholic Bishops here are a very strong force and getting more right-wing and political every day.

    I would not put it past them to put some poor pitiful woman up to writing something like this. I don’t think a woman so scared of her husband would write to an advice column on this subject, even anonymously, and why put her state which limits who could have written it?

  6. Sad and scary, and what’s worse, pretty typical from the closed-records/anti-search side.

    I have to say, though, that a very similar thing happened to my b-mom. It wasn’t like her husband threatened her, but he was opposed to her telling her kids about me. So she didn’t. But they still found it, and it was a family crisis…all because she *should* have said something about my existence but didn’t, because he felt weird about it. And so then the kids were all angry about being kept in the dark!

    Having said that, though, they sided with their dad (in anger against their mother, I think) and refused to ever speak to me. Well, whatever–there’s obviously some dysfunction happening in that house that really has nothing to do with my relinquishment.

    I am from NJ and managed to find because of a miracle, frankly. No one opened my records, but that is something every adoptee deserves: to know where s/he came from.



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