NOTE: Formating is off a little due to the transfer from Blogger to WordPress.
The other day, someone on the Adoption News and Events Facebook page found a interesting blog, Adoptive Parents Speak. No, it’s not one of those warm and cuddly aparent gagfests about Biff, Buffy and their pony in the suburbs waiting for a child. This is a cut-and-paste job of actual pap and adopter comments taken from forums, blogs, and websites.
Reading these comments individually from people you know, is, however, quite different from reading them in aggregate from people you don’t know. Obviously, the ‘net has incumbered people’s self-protection, privacy, and skills of logic–not to mention etiquette. Even the most venal adoption agent at Little Angels and Orphans Drive-Thru Adoption Agency would cringe at what some of their clients post.anonymous adopter shares her knowledge of adoption tactics
Later she told us she was “leaning towards another family because they were closer”. Not that she had decided to parent (which would have been easier to accept), this other family is physically closer to HER. . Quite selfish! She seems to want only the good visits, etc., but nothing of the daily ups and downs that come with raising her son.
from an Adoptive Parent Forum
God Made Me Do It
My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him.”
from a Christain Adoptive Parenting forum
My snark alarm went off with this one, but I don’t care. It’s so like what I’ve heard legitimately over the last 18 years on the ‘net, that I’m including it, even though I believe it’s a put-on. You never know.
The adoption option–
The baby’s mother– An immature irresponsible young women most likely from a Jerry Springer Show type of family. She will be extremly emotionally attached to her baby and is too immature to fully understand and cope with the boundaries of an open adoption relationship. Infant adoption is a catch 22. Mothers of good genetic stock aren’t screwed up enough to give thier newborn babies away to strangers…..If a mother is unfit enough to give away her baby she is unfortunatly not only unfit enough to parent but is also unfit where she shouldn’t be breeding and spreading her inferior genes. She is most likely a failure in school with a low IQ. I have read on adoption forums that if an adoptive couple checks off that they don’t want a baby from a birthmother who has smoked during her pregnancy that they will be on the waiting list for a long time….Birthmothers tend to come from families with drug abuse and alcholism. I have seen birthmother blogs and I have never seen an attractive birthmother. Most of them look like the trailer park white trash that they are. Ugly squirrely faces, buck teeth, obese etc. Birthmothers are deadbeat moms. Why would adoptive parents pay 30 grand for some loser’s baby?
The baby’s father—Not the infertile woman’s husband but a pimply faced teenage horn dog who knocked up and dumped the birthmother. He is most likely a loser with a low IQ, history of problems with the law, and a drug and alcohol abuser.
With donor eggs and surrogacy thier baby comes from a genetic legacy of beauty, health and intellegence and is born by the miracle of science and a strong healthy surrogate.
With adoption the baby is born with a genetic legacy of underachievers, family abuse and irresponsiblity.
If a young women is too stupid and trashy to raise her baby then I think she should just have an abortion. I don’t see anything wrong with killing embryos. The world is over populated and only the stupid people are breeding. I know infertile couples are desperate but please….. Next time you are shopping at Walmart look at the white trash there…. Pick out some random trashy teenager… say enie meanie minie mo I pick Y-O-U …. congratulations thats your birthmother! Do you want to raise her little crotch dropping? You probably wouldn’t even want to use the bathroom after her.
From a question and answer site. This is not from an adoptive parent but I felt this quote was important to include in this
From Motherhood Moments: Love Means Having to Say You’re Sorry by Jacquelyn MitchardAdoptive father in a very cruel email to a reunited natural mother in response to her mentioning that their 21-yr-old son now had 4 loving parents – October 16, 2001
The last I find rather chilling,,,
I Guess I’ll Keep Him
I instantly hated him (harsh word but the honest truth). I expected to feel the same about him as our first, he had issues with food would never chew just shovel it into his mouth and end up throwing up, he didn’t listen keep in mind he was only 2 1/2 and our first was 4 when we got him and a sweetheart. Adrien the 2 1/2 was the exact opposite. He would hit scratch bite, and cry if you were eating something he wanted, after a week I told my husband A had to go. My dh said if thats what I really wonted that he would support me but to give the little boy another week. By then even with all his problems he was calling me mom so I couldn’t send him back.
from a cloth diapering forum
*I edited out the child’s name
I just want to leave him somewhere and walk away, just be free of responsibility for his kid I don’t even like. He is so slimy He makes me ill.
Columbus Dispatch, December 12, 2004, “Diary of an Adoption Tragedy”
While I am doing this (hitting children and screaming at them) it feels oddly good. I feel a sense of relief to get out some of anger, and I have to stop before I really hurt them. Afterwards, I feel somewhat guilty, but not as much as I should.
I am mad at them for being so much damn work (angry) at them for not just fitting in and for having no personality.
In the mid-1980s, an Ohio House committee was subjected to anti-adoptee testimony by Dr. John Willke from Cincinnati, co-founder of the National Right to Life Committee and anti-bastard/anti-abortion/pro-adoption powerhouse in the state. Willke testified about an alleged adoptee patient of his who, against his advice, sought out her mother, only to “track her down” in the middle of a tryst with a trick. At the same hearing the then Franklin County (Columbus) Probate Judge testified that the only “brithparents” he knew who desired reunion were those in jail who wanted someone to bring them cookies. (Testimonies not online; copies in my possession.)
In 1996 when I testified in support of an adult records access bill before an Ohio House committee, one committee member repeatedly referred to “birthparents” as “prostitutes and junkies” as in, “Do you want a prostitute standing in your front yard in the middle of the night screaming she wants your child?” This same legislator objected to adoptee access to parental non-ID information that included the first names of the parents. As an example of how an “innocent mother” could be “tracked down” by her bastard (oh, wait a minute! I thought he was afraid of a slutmom “tracking down” an “innocent child!”) he used the first name of “Orange”as an example of an easy name to find.
Today, with the advent of OBC bastard victories, and the lack of bio parent blowback and “social disruption,” those tabloid stories lack the credibility they had just a few years ago. As a result, adoptee rights opponents have been forced to re-frame their PUBLIC arguments turning the traditional “slutmom” into a “courageous and unselfish” earth mother who chose secret adoption as the only alternative to abortion available to her. (She loved you so much she gave you away. Be happy you weren’t aborted. Now shut up!) These saints who nobody cared a rat’s ass about a few years ago when Class Bastard was still in the closet, must be protected at all cost. (No one ever bothers with dads). As late as two years ago, a member of the Ohio legislature stated during a committee hearing that he as well as his brother, an Ohio Quad A attorney, advise their “birthparent” clients that they will remain anonymous, a promise which is certainly unethical to make, and besides, it’s a lie. When mothers object to rights opponents poking their noses up their skirts they are pathologized or ignored.
Well, we see bigotry and stigma are alive and well!
This post is very chilling. Yet regardless, adoption will still be promoted as the perfect answer to unplanned pregnancy with the assumption that the APs always provide a loving and stable home. Some of these comments sound pre-1940’s when illegitimate children were considered feeble minded, as if a paper from city hall is what gives a child intelligence.
Obviously, many APs look down on their a-child because of his/her origins. This certainly must affect their relationship. How magnanimous of them to let these inferior children into their “superior” lives.
Well-crafted and a tribute to a truth that many of us have long known, BD. Thank You.I’m gonna take my unattractive, acne-ridden, trailer trash opportunity to say it is refreshing to see the truth told and the adopters busted. Personally, with the adopters with whom I have come in contact, I can honestly say that this type constitutes the majority. It must be wonderful to live in a delusion of pseudo superiority.
I know it is painful (from my own perspective) to live being bombarded by stigmatizing stereotyping and hatred.
“The cut-and-pasteds may be anomalies and extreme, we hope, but their attitudes bleed large into adoption politics”
Yes, indeed. This is the stuff of nightmares. I sincerely hope these folks ARE in the minority.
What scares me even more are the number of better-spoken adoptive parents who speak not a single word for opening OBC access. This I do not understand anymore.
The quote that raised your snark is actually part of a larger quote that I have found is being used by many PAPs and APs right now. The forum I found it on only used part of the original quote. The whole quote is:
“My friends, adoption is redemption. It’s costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can’t even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly “Papa” feels towards us. Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to “pay Him back”. You’ll never get close you goofy little kid.” – Derek Loux
An older a-cousin of mine, my adoptive mom’s niece, told me during a phone conversation her adopted son’s mother was a slut. The a-cousin and her husband are both now deceased. He had a long career as counsel to a US Senator. Because they lived in D.C. area, I saw them maybe four times in my life so we weren’t close. Funny tho she agreed with me that adoptees should have their records and she seemed to support reunions.
Kitta here:
“Buying back lives costs so much”
yeah…..especially when those little lives were never for sale in the first place….
Marley: I just found this and put up a link at the sidebar at firstmotherforum….thanks a bunch.
I knew this s#$t was out there but I never had the heart to look for it. And they complain when we call them “adopters”?
The attitude that “birthparents must not be fit, otherwise why would they give up their kids?” is certainly alive and well. In fact, I was at my shrink a few months ago and he went on a rampage about the evils of adoption, and how he had counseled a couple whose adoptive twins had turned into criminals, and how that went to show that bad genes were bad genes, and everyone who was given up for adoption was really, really batshit crazy (not just a little crazy, like me).
All I said in response was (or at least as close as I could come to it at the time, anyway) “I know I’ve only been coming here 5 years – and they are only 6 month med visits, so I guess I have to forgive your lapse of memory – but did you happen to look back in that file you have on your lap and notice that I AM ADOPTED!!!!!”
Needless to say, my internist now provides the 1 perscription I was visiting this nutjob for. Whew.
Slavery was perfect for many back in the day. Look at the comparisons to adoption…bought and sold, owned,removed from family, considered “not human”, ignorant, happy to serve and live on the plantation and be taken care of, incapable of being independent and self sufficient. Owners doing the slaves a favor. Adoption is perfect for many yet today. Again, bought and sold, owned, removed from family, considered “not human”-not needing same basic rights and privileges of a-parents (true heritage), ignorant (come from lesser stock of human), happy to serve and live a much improved life style (grateful), incapable of being independent and self sufficient so need the great resources provided by the superior a-parents. Adopters doing adoptee and their birthparents a favor. How very gracious. Vomit here.
My son’s adoptive mother actually left a message for me at the government reunion registry. She told them to tell me that *my* son’s terrible behaviour was *my* fault! She said that his lazy irresponsible behaviour was due to my defective genes and that he was not anything like her biological children. She was upset that he was not a lawyer or a doctor and that she was very disappointed with *my* son for that.
When I reunited with my son, his self esteem was rock bottom. I was the one who had found him. When I asked why he didn’t search for me, he said that he was afraid that I would be disppointed in him too the way his adoptive parents had been. How very sad.
I helped my son get back on track, helped him to go back to school – even went on a course together with him to get a qualification. When he was accepted at a college, I told him that I was very proud of him.
Do you know what he said?
That no one, especially his adoptive parents, had ever said that to him before.
Boy, opinions about adoption are so polarizing. Scary people. There are a super amount of people out there with troubling lives, tumultuous relationships with their parents, and bad parenting techniques in strictly BIOLOGICAL Families. Why should we expect that the same dynamic should not exist within ADOPTIVE Families? It happens regardless sometimes. There are a lot of happy family stories too. Adopting a child doesn’t make you “superior” any more than deciding to keep your biological child does. Anybody who would adopt a child purely out of charity is just as lacking in perspective as someone who would “keep” their biological child purely because it is biological and despite the fact they cannot adequately provide. Nobody survives on their DNA, people. Try having a conversation with a grown-up kid who was NOT adopted, but was raised by ill equipped parents. Everyone needs to stop pretending they know it all. Nobody knows anything! But people have been raising other people’s children since FOREVER and the world still spins.
I think all families are dysfunctional and take Engel’s view that the family is the root of all oppression.
Adoption adds another layer to that dysfunction; though I tend to think that outside of egregious cases, people do to their adoptees what they’d do to their bios. Maybe they do it differently, but but they still do it. People reproduce (biologically or through adoption) to create mini-me’s, and when that doesn’t work out…
Thanks for the addition. I know so many good adoptive parents, including my own, and when I see stuff like this I still don’t get it. There doesn’t seem to be a est for mean people when it comes to adoption.